A blog like this should not need writing. After going to the movies this past weekend, I realized, it is necessary. It will be a short instructional blog for dummies. So if you plan to go to a movie, or someone who goes to movies, you may wish to share this with them. Doesn’t mean they’re oblivious to movie theater etiquette, or it might. I mean, these people are coming from somewhere, right?
1. You suck at whispering. When the movie is on, and you are whispering to the person next to you, chances are you suck at whispering. You are probably actually talking, and not whispering, but think you are whispering because the movie is loud. My advice, stop whispering, and forget about talking. You are an annoying person and better off renting movies at home, alone.
2. The actors can’t hear you. Giving instructions to actors in the movie won’t change what happens. I am sure if they heard you, they’d appreciate your help. Unfortunately, the movie is pre-recorded. Not live. So when you tell someone not to open a door, or not to go in the basement, you are pretty much just completely ruining the movie for everyone else in the theater. I mean ruining it. You are a moron and have no business going out in public. Stay home. Talk to a wall, or yourself. It would be better for you, and less annoying to your poor family and friends.
3. Your Facebook friends don’t care if you miss checking news feeds for an hour and a half. They run that little reminder at the beginning of movies that says your bright phone screen is even brighter in a dark theater. Movie-folks didn’t need to invest a fortune in research to prove this. They just had someone sit in the theater and turn on their phone, then asked everyone if it was bright. Turns out, it is. Keep your phone off. Literally, off. You are obviously one of these people who has no idea how not to check your phone every five minutes. So remove temptation. Shut. It. Off. You are an idiot, and shouldn’t be in a theater. Someone must have bought your ticket for you. Because if you spent money on your own ticket, you’d watch the movie.
4. Unless you are pregnant, what the hell is wrong with your bladder? I can see if every movie is three and a half hours long and you need to pee somewhere at the two hour mark. But who are these people who pee two and three times a film? How can you continually get up and leave the theater (usually during a great part, or the climax), not once, but over and over. You are a huge distraction. Pee before the movie (oh – wait, you’re the one walking in four minutes after the movie already started, and are pissed because you can’t find a good seat). Don’t go to a theater. Illegally download the film on your phone. Stay in the bathroom and watch it there. Get a stall of your choosing and don’t come out until the movie ends. Pee. Poop. Watch your movie in the comfort of a throne, you royal pain in my ass!
Anyway, just thought I’d share some tips on movie theater etiquette. Maybe it’s me and I’m the only one who has ever witnessed schmucks like this in the theaters I attend. I somehow doubt it. I can’t be alone. Either way, I’d love your feedback, thoughts, or tales about movie going nightmares you’ve experienced … Leave a comment. The more, the merrier!